What was I thinking?

We all have been there. Admit it. Go on think back to the one time in your life that you uttered those words. “Well it seemed a good idea at the time.” For some of us, that was heard on almost a daily basis in say, High school or Jr high. Some of you (you certainly not me) may have said in your 20’s. You should have most of this out of your system by the time you hit your late 30’s, but alas when you are 36 going on 12 like I am, maybe not. This is not a tale of trying to cut down a tree with a hatchet at two in the morning after some barely pops (that was fun). Nor is it a tale of hitting smoke bombs off a golf tee in a condo complex (stiches were involved in that one, huh Steve). It’s not even a tale of trying to get a picture of a bear off the side of the road in Yellowstone and stepping in goo so think and vile that you had to throw away a perfectly good pair of K-Swiss shoes that were your favorite pair of shoes ever in the whole wide world (wait that was in July of this year. Crap I’m still a 12 year old trapped in this body. Damn you immaturity). No this involves something more dreadful: lunch.

My job is in sales, so most of my day is spent behind a windshield. I go to the office, out on the road. Back to the office, out on the road and so on and so forth. I try to plan out my day in advance but that plan is usually shot by 827AM. Because of this I eat out a lot. Mandy hates this because I love her cooking. Absolutely love her cooking, so I want homemade meals. It’s much better to eat her cooking than to constantly eat out.  However, she needs a break from cooking once in a while so much to my chagrin, we go out (I guess I could cook more but we have kids and I don’t want to expose them to my cooking. Unless it’s Pancake, eggs or a dead animal I get to grill, I can’t cook). Such was the dilemma today. A customer emergency took me south around lunch time so, again I’m eating in the car. This is where, “it seemed a good idea at the time,” comes into play.

I decided on a place for food I hadn’t had in quite a while. I wanted a chili cheese Coney dog with mustard from a certain chain drive through chain. I don’t know why I crave these every six months or so. The cheese is glorified canned cheese. The hot dog is usually lukewarm. The chili could double as kibble for the dogs bits but you combine all three of those ingredients, throw on some mustard with a side of tater tots and we are in business baby.

Then evening hits and I think to myself, “a chili cheese Coney dog seemed like a good idea at the time. But man I am regretting it now.” Why do I do this to myself? I know the consequences. The rest of my family REALLY knows the consequences, yet I still do it. I hadn’t pulled out of the parking lot and I had realized my mistake. I get back to office and I was asked, “Was that your stomach making that noise?” “No I reply. I heard on the radio there is a wolverine on the loose. Maybe it’s hiding in the office.” Later I hear, “what is that smell? Did the sewer pipe back up?” A sad statement in and of itself but it’s made even sadder when I’m the one who said it, without realizing the real source. It was over 90 degrees here today. I drove home with windows down. I tried quenching the build-up with a Fat Tire, to no avail. In fact I think the beer acted like a Mentos to the chili dog acting like a diet Coke. This is getting ugly. Does this agony have no end? You’ve seen the scene in Star Wars where Luke gets pulled under that water in that garbage bay? That’s being reenacted in my stomach right now and Luke still hasn’t come up for air. I don’t have an iron gut anymore. I carry Tums in my car for such just an emergency. I have Lactose pills and acid blocker medicine, yet I still do this. I am not sure how this sordid tale will end (well actually I do but that gets WAAAAAYYYY too graphic) but I will not do this again. How could I even think to eat chili dumped over a meat tube with mustard lovingly draped over the top? To pop open that bag for that first smell of American goodness mixed with the wafting scent of potato goodness that is a Tater Tot.

Man I’m hungry again.

 No I’m not.

But its chili.

 Yes its chili...and leftover meat in a casing.

It smells so good though.

 Your car didn’t on the drive home.

Think of the boys, should they be exposed to the aftermath?

They’re boys.  They should be exposed to this at some time, might as well be now.

What about your wife? Should she have to suffer?

You’re right. She doesn’t deserve this. No wife should have to deal with this. Next time I’ll have one when she’s out of town.

No you’re thinking.